What is a breathanalyzer?
‘Shhaaayyy, buddy, what’s a ‘Breathalyzer’?’ asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.’Well, I’d have to say it’s a bag that tells you when you’ve drunk way too much,’ answered the equally...
View ArticleOut of the Greek Myths
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities — Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and...
View ArticleDrunk walks into elevator…
Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes,and then says, “Dammit, I said UP.” The post Drunk walks into...
View ArticleA somewhat drunk man feels a…
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man’s head and says,’Say, your head feels just like my wife’s ass.’The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,’You know, you’re right!’ The post A somewhat...
View ArticleA fellow decides to take off early from work…
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he...
View ArticleThings that are difficult to say when you are drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:IndubitablyInnovativePreliminaryProliferationCinnamonTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:SpecificityBritish...
View ArticleClearing it
A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that issitting near him that he can fart out the tune to The Star Spangelled Banner!Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he...
View ArticleThere was a drunk man walking down the street turning…
There was a drunk man walking down the street turninghis car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, ‘Sir, what are you doing?’ The drunk replied, ‘I am looking for my car, the last...
View ArticleA visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked…
A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman.’Hi,’ he said, ‘I’m new in town. Can I buy you a drink?”Get lost,’ she...
View ArticleLost all my luggage
McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. ‘No,’ replied McAteer. ‘I’ve lost all...
View ArticleWarning labels
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let’s at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with...
View ArticleA man had been drinking at the bar for hours…
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned somethingabout his girlfriend being out in the car.The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked...
View ArticleAt 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy…
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy askingwhat time the bar opens. ‘It opens at noon,’ answers the clerk.About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding...
View ArticleTwo drunks walk into a bar…
Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his buddy and says ‘I gotta go use the can.’ So he wonders off to the bathroom and is gone for 5 … 10… 20 minutes. Well his friend gets pissed off...
View ArticleA woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog…
A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rollsaround, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. Thedrunk looks down,...
View ArticleThe sex talk
A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics The bartender says ?IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT’S POLITICSî. A little while later hey...
View ArticleA drunk staggered into a cemetery and…
A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave.Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. ‘Get me out of here’, said the one in the grave, ‘I’m cold’. The other one looked over the...
View ArticleLittle old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop…
Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop, barbequeing a chicken on a manual rotisserie. A drunk comes walking along and says, ‘Hey, man…the music stopped, and your monkey’s on fire.’ The post...
View ArticleALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY
‘ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY’So what ? Who’s in a hurry ? The post ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY appeared first on Practical Jokes.
View ArticleA rather novel way to…
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the...
View ArticleA drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut…
A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut througha graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunkfails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries toclimb out of it, but it is...
View ArticleTwo friends were out drinking…
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. ‘One thing about Jim,’ his buddy said to the bartender, ‘he knows when to stop.’ The...
View ArticleDrinking problem
Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem! Mongo: The hell I do! Buford: The hell you don’t!Mongo: I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink…I get drunk…I fall down. No problem! The post Drinking...
View ArticleA pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested…
A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested,then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought:’Ok.I’ll let him pass, there’s no hurry. Two minutes lateranother whiskey comes by and pizza let him...
View ArticleOne day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub…
One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.?Fuck me? shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.?What the fuck are you...
View ArticleWhat’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? A drunk doesn’t have to go to those stupid meetings. The post What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? appeared first on Practical...
View ArticleThe Eighteen Bottles
The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse… I said I would and proceeded with the...
View ArticleThe modest man is in the hospital for a series of test…
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the lasttest has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to thebathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely...
View ArticleSign of drinking problem
Sign of drinking problem…You shout, ‘I’m not as think you drunk I am.’Sent by JC The post Sign of drinking problem appeared first on Practical Jokes.
View ArticleA horrible tragedy
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.Approaching the friend he comments, ‘You look terrible. What’s the problem?”My mother died in June,’ he said, ‘and left me $10,000.”Gee,...
View ArticleIt’s a ladybug
A customer was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he noticed a tiny little spot on the wall that seemed to be moving. He called it to the bartender’s attention. He glanced at it and said, ‘It’s…...
View ArticleAfter a long pubcrawl…
After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red orgreen. Since they can’t come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: ‘Please, officcccer, could...
View ArticleThis guys is sitting at the end of a bar…
This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in the door he says, rapidly,’Tickle your ass with a feather?’ At which point they usually ask him what it was he said, and he then...
View ArticleThere was a young Scotsman called Andy…
There was a young Scotsman called Andy,Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.He lifted his kilt,To wipe up what he spilt,And the barmaid said, ‘Blimey! That’s handy!’ The post There was a young...
View ArticleThere was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk…
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, ‘ATTENTION ALL’ and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at...
View ArticleThree guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were…
Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks. 2nd guy: Oh yeah?...
View Article5 drinks
A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the...
View ArticleHow can you tell?
‘Old Jethro’s next door’s a-makin’ moonshine again.’ the wife told her husband.’How can you tell ?’ he asked. ‘Did you smell it ?”Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over here this...
View ArticleA completely inebriated man was stumbling down…
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, ‘I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.’Our...
View ArticleA driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way…
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. ‘Didn’t you see the arrow, buddy?’ he asked. ‘An arrow?’ the confused driver said. ‘I didn’t...
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